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Oh, there were early inklings:
the feel of my bat sending the ball over the left-field fence,
speeding in a convertible over the one-lane wooden bridge at 60 m.p.h.
watching the sun set behind Wyoming’s Grand Tetons—
strange times when I somehow escaped the carefully cultivated confines of my mind.
But with no idea what those moments meant, I forgot them.
Only after the Great Loss,
And years of slogging
through missing keys and sleepless nights,
of being terrified strife would strike again,
of sarcasm, swearing, pounding the walls,
of regrets for what I had and hadn’t done,
of downcast eyes and hunched shoulders,
of tears during saccharine movies
and sobbing on anniversaries,
came the song:
Buddy Holly on the car radio after a really bad day.
First humming along, then softly singing,
then louder, louder, until at the top of my lungs:
“It’s so easy to fall in love!”
Broken open,
releasing embarrassment, lethargy, fear, anger, guilt, shame, and sorrow.
Later, I realized how foolish I must have looked to other motorists.
But I didn’t care. There was no going back.
No retreat. No surrender.
No forgetting such a gift.
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The Geriatric Pilgrim: Traveling the Landscape of Faith and Grief 
The raw emotion you must have felt when writing this poem had to make your heart throb. I’m sorry for your sadness. Singing to music in your car isn’t unusual-even if it’s at the top of your lungs. How wonderful the Buddy Holly song gave you a respite from your grief.
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The song gave me more than a respite, Nancy, it gave me an understanding of joy that I’d never had before—its connection with suffering, & how joy differs from happiness.
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Love the poem, reality and joy.
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Thank you, Dr. Rubin!
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That deep sense of joy, oh what a gift of God! It frees us from the bonds of this world and you describe that so beautifully.
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Thank you. it’s taken a lot of grief for me to be broken open enough to recognize this gift.
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Hi Rick, Yes, the pure joy of hearing an upbeat radio song randomly found on the local station, for me, WBCN Boston. I’m thinking Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas, while driving my mother’s Skylark way too fast on the Framingham road. : )Cousin E
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Mmm. I remember WBZ (before it went to all news) and WMEX with Arnie “Woo Woo” Ginsberg, but not WBCN.
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Yes Arnie Ginsburg, and WORC that had a request line : ) WBCN was a rock station that maybe started in the late 60’s early 70’s.
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https://theamericanrevolution.fm/ WBCN and The American Revolution theamericanrevolution.fm
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